“When the fair comes to town, all the youth are going to go spend their money on the Italian hats, the German collars, and the French slippers!”
That was the general takeaway from Boy Bishop’s Sermon printed in the 1490s advising caution when it came to the town’s youth spending time at the fairs and markets. Apparently, impulsive financial decisions and interest in new fashion trends have been trademarks of youth since the start of the Renaissance.
“It truly feels like it could’ve been written today,” said Crystal Kirgiss, Young Life’s director of discipleship content and partnerships.
She’s been on staff with Young Life since 2018, so you might not expect Kirgiss to have a PhD in medieval literature and linguistics with a focus on the history of adolescence.
It’s widely thought that youth ministry didn’t truly take off until the 1970s when churches began hiring youth pastors. But, Kirgiss said, “the understanding that this developmental stage of life is distinct and unique has been around as long as people have been writing.”
According to her, the underlying characteristics of adolescence in earlier centuries are the same characteristics found among youth throughout all the different eras. There’s impulsiveness, pushing against authority, exploring romantic relationships, craving independence—all markings of adolescence, no matter the moment in history.
In our current moment, those adolescents are known to be Gen Z. Coming on the heels of Millennials, Gen Z is the first generation to be completely brought up in the mobile/social media era. Their parents worry about things like screen time and mental health.
Supporting parents is a key part of the H. E. Butt Foundation’s mission to cultivate wholeness in institutions. “We view the family as the original core institution of society,” David Rogers explains. Howard Butt Jr. used to say that renewal of institutions started with the renewal of the family.
“The strength of a culture is rooted in the homes that nurture it,” Rogers explained, “and the strength of a home is found in the love and faith that hold the family together.” According to David, strong families and strong culture emerge when families embrace their theological purpose.
While our culture tends to focus on generational differences and modern challenges facing families, Kirgiss focuses on universal challenges. The things about our families and our kids that remain the same—even going back as far as 1490. At Laity Lodge Family Camp’s recent Gen Z retreat for families with kids 12-18 years old, she said, “If I had done a retreat like this 20 years ago, I don’t think I would have done anything differently.”
How could that be? According to Kirgiss, the goal was to create a multi-generational weekend that included Gen Z without singling them out. “When we lump people into this generation or that generation, who we then say all have this specific set of characteristics, it gives us permission to not do the work of getting to know people,” she said.
Parenting, ministering, mentoring… it’s all personal. “If I read every book out there about Gen Z and I don’t have any conversations with 12… 14… 16-year-olds in my church or my community, then I actually don’t know a thing about Gen Z,” Kirgiss insisted.
So, unlike a traditional Family Camp retreat, that weekend saw the older youth joining their parents for Devo Time in the mornings. This combined time allowed parents to see, or sometimes just be reminded, that their teens (and yes, even preteens) can engage with deep and spiritual topics—opening the door for more personal and engaged conversations later during Cabin Time.
But what do you do when your preteen or teen won’t talk to you? Or you get the classic “fine,” “good,” or “nothing” one-word responses? It’s not easy to make sure you still know your kid when their current phase of life has them seeking more freedom and independence from, well, you.
Patton Dodd is the executive director of storytelling and communications at the H. E. Butt Foundation and the author of the upcoming book, The Father You Get: And the Ones You Make, Believe In, and Become. More importantly, he is father to three lovely Gen Z-ers, Bel, Henry, and Lou, and had a simple rule: Proximity.
“When my oldest daughter (Bel) was a young teen, she would often just be in her room,” he said. “When I missed her, I would go sit in her room on the floor. I would read and she would do her own thing. But I would just sit there, and she would eventually start talking to me.”
Similarly, Dodd said his best conversations with his youngest daughter, Lou, happen when it is just the two of them in the car on the way to an outing, like snagging some fro-yo. “We always have our deep conversations in the car,” he said. “That’s when she opens up.”
It’s important for youth to know their parents as much as it is for parents to know their kids. This requires a vulnerability with their children that can sometimes feel strange for parents.
On the last day of the Gen Z retreat, a voluntary panel of mixed ages answered questions about what it’s like to be in their stage of life. William Collins, LLFC’s operations director, joined the panel as a dad to six daughters. William told the audience of teens and parents that around the age of 14, each of his daughters no longer got along with his wife, Barbara.
“It was always hurtful and really hard on her,” William admitted, “but then as they got older, one day the switch would flip, and mom became a needed confidant and friend.” William’s advice for parents: just hold on. Teenage angst doesn’t last forever, but your relationship with your child can. And so can the lessons you teach them.
This is especially true when it comes to their faith walk. Kirgiss calls these years the how phase of a kid’s spiritual upbringing. “When they’re young, they’re learning what to believe. When they are a little older, they are learning why they believe. Adolescence is when they learn how to believe,” she said. “They need to witness their parents’ faith. They need to learn what faith looks like in everyday life.”
But parents aren’t peers. “They don’t need another middle schooler or high schooler in their life,” Kirgiss said during the panel. “They need someone who will listen and empathize but then takes the place of a firmly established adult in their life.”
Gen Z may have their screens and video games… or their TikTok dances and crew socks… but ultimately, like the rest of humanity, they will only be fulfilled and whole by being known.
Wait them out. Sit in the room. And always take advantage of a car ride.
